Ctrl C , Ctrl V

# How do you extract iron from Hema Malini?
Get her drunk. Then she'll get tight. Now u have hema-tite. You can extract iron from that.

# son: mom, what's there to eat?
mom: hum eat ka jawaab pathhar se denge

# Two paint tankers, one carrying red paint, and one carrying purple paint, collide. The sailors were marooned.

# Two atoms are walking along. Suddenly one says "oh no! I've lost an electron!"
"Really? You sure?"
"Yeah, I'm positive!"

# Did you hear about the dyslexic who walks into a bra?

# What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care.

# What's the difference between regular garlic and roasted garlic?
A gypsy once told me it was the roasting, but you shouldn't trust the gypsies

#
Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, leaped into the air waving his front legs, and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a pair of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

# A Times Roman walk into a bar
The barman says, "Oi- get out! We don't want your type in here"

# Two muffins were sitting on a counter. One looks to the other and says "How've you been today?" The other screams "AH! A TALKING MUFFIN!"

# How do you tell a boy chromosome from a girl chromosome?
You pull down its genes.

# A man goes to a party and sees a man with a banana in his ear. He goes up to him ad says "Excuse me, did you know you have a banana in your ear?"
"Pardon?"
"I said did you know you have a banana in your ear?"
"Sorry?"
"You have a banana in your ear."
"What?"
"YOU...HAVE...BANANA....IN.....YOUR.....EAR"
The other man replies "I'm sorry, I can't hear you, I've got a banana in my ear!"

# Attorney: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Witness: Would you repeat the question?

# Descartes walks into a bar and orders a tequila sunrise. The bartender looks at him for a moment and says "Wouldn't you like something a bit more manly?" Descartes says "I think not!" and disappears.

# A waiter asks a man, “May I take your order, sir?”
“Yes,” the man replies. “I’m just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?”
“Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they’re going to die.”

# Three people of different nationalities walk into the bar. Two of them say something smart, and the third one makes a mockery of his fellow countrymen by acting dumb.

# So a stripper walks into a Pole:
"Sorry ma'am."
"What? A pole can talk?!"

# A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
Bond explains, "It uses Alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, for a start it says you're not wearing any underwear..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing underwear!"
Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."

# A Pole walks into a bar

# A constant function and e^x are walking on Broadway. Then suddenly the constant function sees a differential operator approaching and runs away. So e^x follows him and asks why the hurry.
"Well, you see, there's this diff.operator coming this way, and when we meet, he'll differentiate me and nothing will be left of me!"
"Ah," says e^x, "he won't bother ME, I'm e to-the x!" and he walks on. Of course he meets the differential operator after a short distance.
e^x : "Hi, I'm e^x"
diff.op. : "Hi, I'm d/dy"

# Who is sodium?
Shahrukh Khan ("Main Hoon Na" )

Gunda II

If you are searching for the epitome of a pure Bollywood movie, go home and have a hot drink of coffee, or whatever you do when your search for the epitome of a pure Bollywood movie is over. For, I have here a movie that every bollywood movie strives to be, a movie that a Karan Johar or a Ram Gopal Verma can only dream of making, a movie that’s bound to leave every movie-goer’s every inch of the body taut, and itchy. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, let me present, without further ado, Gunda.

A lyrical masterpiece, the movie takes one through the atrocious underworld where villains commit heinous crimes behind the curtain of corrupt policemen and hypocritical politicians. “Cliché,” one might be tempted to dismiss. Wait, for Gunda has more to offer.

Gunda offers, among other things, flawless editing where scenes overlap, propelling the movie to new heights of alacrity. The two hour long movie leaves no scope for boredom to set in. The scenes, seemingly unconnected on the onset, knit together to form a larger canvas. Remember 21 Grams or Memento, anyone?

Gunda uses a powerful method hitherto rare in Hindi cinema. In many scenes, the actors face the audience while delivering a dialogue. Thus, while maintaining a realistic backdrop, the actors manage to address a larger audience, securing themselves a place in the larger canvas. One is reminded of the technique used by Fritz Lang in his movie, Metropolis.

The dialogues are replete with similes, metaphors and rhyme lending the movie a dialogic force. Viewing the movie thus becomes a lyrical journey.

Ah! The cast. Gunda boasts of such actors as the uber-versatile Mithun Chakraborty, who has acted in over 190 movies in roles as diverse as a Tamil coconut seller (Agneepath) to the Indian James Bond—Gunmaster G9 (Suraksha), and a pimp (Dalal) to Ramakrishna Paramhansa (Ramakrishna Paramhansa). Mukesh Rishi, remembered for his role as Inspector Salim in Sarfarosh proves why he is the coveted actor that he is. Not to forget Shakti Kapoor who proves his versatility in the role of a villain coping with gender confusion.

The protagonist is presented as a superhero in its subtlest form, not its essential Hollywood underwear-outside-the-pants counterpart. He is as human as any one of us, albeit equipped with superpowers that every hero would envy in superheroes.

The women, in the brief roles they get, form the crux on which the story revolves. One cannot but be impressed with their dynamic style, substance and vital statistics. The rape victims are quickly eliminated, thus saving the viewer from going through the tribulations that they would gave gone through.

The movie leaves a few questions unanswered, and some riddles that are bound to haunt one long after the movie is over. The repeated appearance of the airport as a backdrop makes one wonder if the director wants to depict something. Should we strive to 'take off' and escape all the dirt of this inhuman world, or try to clean it up ourselves?

Quotable quotes:

“Hum aise laashen bicha denge jaise kisi nanhe munhe bacche ke nunhi se pesaab tapakta hain—tap tap”

“Mera naam hai Ibu Hatela.
Maa meri churail ki beti.
Baap mera shaitaan ka chela.
Khaayega kela?”

“Kala dhanda karne walon ki maa, behn, beti ki zindagi ka koi bharosa nahi hota. Magar tune meri behn ka rape karke, bahut bura kiya. Bahut bura kiyAA..”

“Main hun jurm se nafrat karne wala.
Sarifon ke liye jyoti.Gundo ke liye jwala.”
“Tujhe banaakar main maut ka niwala,
teri seene mein kaat dunga main maut ka bhaala”

Shaastra coecelanth equivocate s zeppelin durbatuluk

All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go (to durbatuluk)
I'm standing here outside shaastra
I hate to wake u up to equivocate

But the dawn is zeppelin
It's coecelanth
The taxi's shaastra
blowing his durbatuluk
Already i'm so lonesome
coecelanth

so equivocate and durbatuluk
tell me that u'll coecelanth
hold me like u'll shaastra (aaaaaa)
coz i'm leaving on a zeppelin
don't know when i will durbatuluk
oh babe, i equivocate

there are so many coecelanths, i've shaastra
so many times, i've zeppelin
i tell u now, i don't durbatuluk
every place i go, i equivocate
every song i sing, i equivocate
zeppelin about shaastra, durbatuluk, coecelanth
when i won't have to equivocate
about shaastra, i won't have to say

so equivocate and durbatuluk
tell me that u'll coecelanth
hold me like u'll shaastra (aaaa)
coz i'm leaving on a zeppelin
don't know if i'll durbatuluk
oh babe, i equivocate


john danawade
(I'm leaving on a zeppelin lyrics

You have two cows (2 cows)

[My tribute to the insti footer team]

Aravind G: He likes colorful cows. You will find him in cow races, cow jumps, or for that matter, any cow event that’s going on right now.

Yahoo! : Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Two cows.
Two cows who?
Moo. Moo.

Talli: Yeh kya haraamipan hai? Two cows ki maa ki ch***. [3 sentences down the line, the content is too ‘mature’ to be printed here!)

Praveen: See, macchaa, the funda of two cows is….(10 minute lecture)

L2[with an arm in slings]: Ek cow ne tang laga di peechhe se, aur ek cow ne dhakka diya.

Popa: Two cows, yaani do gai, two guys, matlab do aadmi..hahaha.

Om, senti: Cow1> what if cow2 scores an own goal? Tab to main kuch kar nahi paunga.
Cow2> (pained to the core and just short of hitting cow1) arre nahi karunga yaar.

Hati papa: Abbe, dono cows ke pair zameen mein ghus gaye the.

Coco: In cowland, these youthful bulls get seduced by despo cow aunties. These aunties with coconut shaped udders like bulls with thundering thighs.

Vivek: Main two cows se milne Delhi jaa raha hun. Shaayad late se aaunga ya bilkul nahi aaunga.

P.S. Can’t think of anything for the rest now.

Two cows - 1

Bird flew

The first reported case in Asia was by a Korean poultry farmer. One fine morning, he discovered that one of his chickens was missing, and innocently uttered, “Bird flew.” Den, dey thot da name wasn’t k3wL enuff, and ‘bird flu’ was born. Since then, birds started flying everywhere else, with the latest flights being sighted in France, Nigeria and Iraq, as reported by u-know-WHO.

Apart from birds, flying pigs have been sighted, though in much lesser numbers. Flying humans have been sighted too, but in very, very rare cases. But then, who wants to fly anwyay? Though it has not been specifically proved, some human flights have been linked to sightings of bird flight. Experts have advised to cook them and their eggs properly to render them flightless.

The term has been effectively used by PETA (Professional Extreme Tacticians in Air) to further their cause. They iterate that among the varied hazards of flying is that u can fly into an unassuming bird and drop dead any time. For quite sometime now, they have been distributing t-shirts that read –

Bird flu
Will u?

in the front and a picture of a dead chicken in the back.

One way to prevent flying of birds, apart from separating them from the flying flock and clipping their wings, is to employ bird flu waxing vaccine. It is supposed to make them inactive and unmoving. Apparently, chickens thus rendered, especially broilers, are extremely sensitive to fright and shock. Last heard, a marriage ceremony had left 99 chickens in a poultry farm dead the next morning. Consequent investigations showed that it had nothing to do with the fact that it was a Punjabi marriage. The case was finally dropped when it was discovered that the only survivor in the calamity was a dumb chick. And it was not a blonde even!

“Technology is to be blamed. It’s made us lazy; all we do is sit, eat and sleep. After sometimes, we won’t even be able to attend Punjabi marriages.” – a socialite.

“Birds fly, they don’t flew.” – George Bush

"Actually, they do." - Oscar Wilde.

You have two cows

Unimaginative/Pragmatic people: You have two cows.

Light bulb Jokes: How many cows does it take to change a light bulb? Two

Absolute Monarchy: The king has two cows. At the end he gets hanged, and so do the cows.

Cambodian Communism: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

Enron Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank. He then executes a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by your CFO who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on six more. The public buys your bull.

Fatalism: You have two cows. You die.

Pure Communism: Your cow is my cow too. My cow is none of your business.

Representative Democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbours pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

Totalitarianism: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

The 3 Dot Language: ...

Two Cows: You have us.

Catcher in the Rye: This one time, you had two cows, but then you got to thinking about all the phonies getting their milk and that made you kind of sad so you let them go.

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: You have 42 cows.

The Fountainhead: I have two cows.

Terry Pratchett: You thought you had two cows, but in reality one was the Death of Cows and went 'MOO' all the time, whereas the other was actually someone who had severely annoyed a witch. This sort of thing happens an awful lot.

Nietzsche: Two cows are dead.

Rastafarianism: Let's smoke these cows!

Nihilism:

Pragmatism: There are cows.

Minimalism: Cow. Cow.

Yoda: Two cows, you have.

R2D2: beep beep blip beep

Michael Jackson: Hey, are those two calves?

Oscar Wilde: "You have two cows." —Oscar Wilde

The Oracle: "Having two cows is like being in love, Neo."

Monty Python and the Holy Grail: We are the Two Cows Who Say Ni!

Descartian Analysis: You think, therefore you have two cows.

Cowell Analysis: Those are quite possibly the worst two cows I have ever heard.

Unknown Analysis: To err is to be human. To have two cows is bovine.

Tamil: Ungalidam irandu Pasukkal ullana. Pasu paal kodukkum.

Manipuri: Nangi san ani lei.

Pink Floyd (Syd Barrett): I've got two cows. You can milk them if you like.

Pink Floyd (early 70s): You have [17 minute instrumental] Two cows

Jokes apart.

Jokes can be pretty funny sometimes.

Once, a particularly profound joke of mine exacted a response more than I bargained for. The victim murmured something that sounded like, "You bloody…", and as he searched for a suitable qualifier/noun, the following images flashed by in front of him, all in quick succession – pig, butter, girl, rice, puke, football, Maria Sharapova, a dog, a chappal, puke, his PC, rasam, a butterfly – rewound three images and settled on puke. However, he felt a lump in his throat and the word got drowned in the ensuing pandemonium. Finally, he rolled up his eyes in acute pain and in utter and complete submission (i hoped it was due to ecstasy, but apparently, it wasn't). Since this incident, I try not to lose any opportunity to let anyone escape this torment, and have, so far, fairly succeeded too.

Now, there are jokes that are funny, jokes that are not funny, and jokes that are funny in being not funny. The last category amuses me to no end. There are different kinds of them, all with their subtle differences – meta-jokes, non-jokes, anti-jokes, and of course, shaggy dog stories. The classification may vary for some people, but most non-funny jokes will fall into one of these categories. Though the responses may vary for different people, it’s surely worth a try!!!

WARNING: I advise u not to read my two previous posts, as they are non-funny jokes and, more importantly, may offend some people. Please do so only if u are insanely curious, and at ur own risk.

I am God

This is the height of noodliness!! The ‘Flying Spaghetti Monster’ is the overlord of a new parody religion- ‘Pastafarianism’. (Remember the famous Rastafarian Bob Marley, anyone???). Wikipedia has more.

Some interesting ‘facts’ about the religion –

• Prayers are ended with the word Ramen rather than Amen.
• Like the noodles they worship, Flying Spaghetti Monsterists have flimsy moral standards.
• Promise of a stripper factory and a beer volcano in Heaven.
• Global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct consequence of the decline in numbers of pirates since the 1800s.

The open letter to the K.S. Board by the creator and self-proclaimed ‘prophet’ of the religion, Bobby Henderson, is particularly enlightening. It includes a reader’s response –

Bobby,

Today I was blessed to receive a divine revelation from our Almighty Flying Spaghetti Monster. I have the privilege of informing you that it is His will that I become His Bride, in order that the Savior of mankind (who is to be called Macaroni) may be born on this earth. The FSM has revealed to me that your body is to be the vehicle by whichhis holy seed shall be transmitted in earthly form.

To that end, I have reserved a room for us at the Best Western Airport Inn, Boise, Idaho, for the evening of [removed]. I will be the woman wearing the WWFSMD t-shirt and eye patch.

I look forward to meeting you and fulfilling the will of our noodly master.

Julie
Boise, Idaho

The Flying Spaghetti Monster, the Invisible pink unicorn, the invisible green dragon. What else now?? What about some Swimming Red Kanglasha, or perhaps a Simmering Spotted Sangai for our own Manipur??

What's in a name?

The little B finally got christened after days of extensive search on the web. It had to start with a 'chi' as indicated in his kuthi (kundali). Some 15 probables were selected including Chiara, Chimera, Chin-Hwang, Chi, Chini etc. Not to mention the Chinese Chins, Chings and their numerous derivatives. Interestingly, the winner turned out to be one from outside the probables list. It's a Persian name meaning brave, powerful, sublime, intelligent, and perhaps more. An alternate meaning being turban. Here's my first hi to a newly christened Chirah!! A close contender was Chiragh(meaning a lamp) but bigB decided to do away with it as it could be "blown away by a gust of wind"!!
I was inspired to find a meaning for my own name. It turned out to be very meaningful indeed, with meanings ranging from an elitist homosexual to lesbians, marijuana to plain stupid. Urbandictionray.com did come up with some amusing meanings!! It's always been a pain for me to answer people when they ask the meaning of my name. I can make it sound pretty entertaining now. Though I wonder if i can do away with my oft-repeated old "My father got impressed by a WWII Russian pilot named Bobo Bubuska. Ergo, blah blah blah.." story.