The future is here...

100 suba post

Does it creep anyone else out a little that 'ten years ago' refers to 1998?

Ctrl C , Ctrl V

# How do you extract iron from Hema Malini?
Get her drunk. Then she'll get tight. Now u have hema-tite. You can extract iron from that.

# son: mom, what's there to eat?
mom: hum eat ka jawaab pathhar se denge

# Two paint tankers, one carrying red paint, and one carrying purple paint, collide. The sailors were marooned.

# Two atoms are walking along. Suddenly one says "oh no! I've lost an electron!"
"Really? You sure?"
"Yeah, I'm positive!"

# Did you hear about the dyslexic who walks into a bra?

# What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care.

# What's the difference between regular garlic and roasted garlic?
A gypsy once told me it was the roasting, but you shouldn't trust the gypsies

#
Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, leaped into the air waving his front legs, and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a pair of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

# A Times Roman walk into a bar
The barman says, "Oi- get out! We don't want your type in here"

# Two muffins were sitting on a counter. One looks to the other and says "How've you been today?" The other screams "AH! A TALKING MUFFIN!"

# How do you tell a boy chromosome from a girl chromosome?
You pull down its genes.

# A man goes to a party and sees a man with a banana in his ear. He goes up to him ad says "Excuse me, did you know you have a banana in your ear?"
"Pardon?"
"I said did you know you have a banana in your ear?"
"Sorry?"
"You have a banana in your ear."
"What?"
"YOU...HAVE...BANANA....IN.....YOUR.....EAR"
The other man replies "I'm sorry, I can't hear you, I've got a banana in my ear!"

# Attorney: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Witness: Would you repeat the question?

# Descartes walks into a bar and orders a tequila sunrise. The bartender looks at him for a moment and says "Wouldn't you like something a bit more manly?" Descartes says "I think not!" and disappears.

# A waiter asks a man, “May I take your order, sir?”
“Yes,” the man replies. “I’m just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?”
“Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they’re going to die.”

# Three people of different nationalities walk into the bar. Two of them say something smart, and the third one makes a mockery of his fellow countrymen by acting dumb.

# So a stripper walks into a Pole:
"Sorry ma'am."
"What? A pole can talk?!"

# A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
Bond explains, "It uses Alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, for a start it says you're not wearing any underwear..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing underwear!"
Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."

# A Pole walks into a bar

# A constant function and e^x are walking on Broadway. Then suddenly the constant function sees a differential operator approaching and runs away. So e^x follows him and asks why the hurry.
"Well, you see, there's this diff.operator coming this way, and when we meet, he'll differentiate me and nothing will be left of me!"
"Ah," says e^x, "he won't bother ME, I'm e to-the x!" and he walks on. Of course he meets the differential operator after a short distance.
e^x : "Hi, I'm e^x"
diff.op. : "Hi, I'm d/dy"

# Who is sodium?
Shahrukh Khan ("Main Hoon Na" )

on writing

“Writing is the most fun you can have by yourself.” - Terry Pratchett

i'm alone and i have time to kill. i want to write about something, anything. i'm just unable to decide on what. (should it be 'decide on what' or 'decide what on'? i need a wren and martin!) a lot of things have tempted themselves before me, for me to put them in writing. for example, i could write about what i did today, about someone, some movie, sites that i visit, tv shows that i like, my favorite songs, so on and so forth. or i could write some fiction. by the way, there's this story that has been ringing in my head for quite sometime now. i could put it in writing finally! but that would be too taxing and too deep for me to write about now. hmm. or i could keep typing about anything that pops up in my head till i get bored and tired! that should be exciting! but am i not doing that alreaedy? am i excited? i guess u tend to falter when presented with choices. i've always wondered whether having choices is better or worse than having no choice at all. do u realize that having only one choice is the same as having no choice at all? that's when 1 becomes equal to 0! man, i just posed a philosophical question and cracked it myself.

i wish real life would be as easy as typing something. imagine being able to tidy up ur room just like doing Ctrl + A and then Ctrl + J in word. i could write pretty neatly too, justifying the text left and right (it requires a lot of practice, let me tell ya!) it is not so easy when it comes to arranging ur wardrobe, and books and other stuff.

hmmm. so, the story i was thinking about. it is about a guy who, one day, discovers his father's diary. in the diary, his father has written a lot about a certain girl. this was probably before his father met his mom. so, he decides to set out on a journey to go to where the diary was set. the place, as he finds out, is a magical one, unlike any place he has ever been to, and unlike any place he ever thought would exist. as he spends time over there, he starts discovering a lot of things about his father. in the end of his stay, his entire perception of his father changes, and along with it, his person changes completely.

what else, what else? oh, how can i forget to write about the harbhajan-monkey-symonds controversy. now, that is weird. when harbhajan calls u monkey, u don't get offended, u laugh. it IS funny. also, by now, symonds must have used to all the monkey chants. jokes apart, all this hullabaloo coming from the australian cricketers, of all people, smacks of plain hypocrisy. i even had an idea of starting a google bombing meme so that a google search for 'monkey' would point to andrew symonds' wikipedia page! ((speaking of hypocrisy, where did i hear this term 'hypocrisy of democracy'. now where did i hear that. perhaps i'm predicting the title of a future arundhati roy essay, but it sure sounds like a cool phrase. make u sound intelligible and all.))

time to wrap up for now. i have a lot of things in the pipeline (things that i want to do, but just too lazy to) - learn origami, interview some famous person of yore who has now disappeared into oblivion, go on a traveling trip with a bunch of complete strangers, shoot a small movie of my own. if i don't do them, at least i could write about them!

Getting ready

Movi(e)ng thoughts...

I wish I could frame myself in a movie – a movie that captures every moment of my life, every day. There are times when u believe u’ll get a better picture of a situation if u were in someone else’s shoes. Looking from a third (or second?) person’s perspective at me doing something will certainly give me more insight into the state of affairs. This solves a certain dilemma – when u need someone’s help and u are not sure who to talk to. U r not able to solve it urself and u don’t trust anyone enough to talk about it. What better way than to do it in ur own leisure, as if u were watching a movie, literally!

Perhaps a background score in tune with what I’m supposed to feel would be convenient. At least u won’t feel that crippling helplessness when u are (sometimes) not aware of how u r supposed to feel. That small cue could potentially save u from many an discomfited situation.

Speaking of background score, I had this thought. Usually, movies treat the background score to accentuate the mood of the movie. Why not do something opposite? I would love to see how viewers react. Will it go unnoticed? What effect will it have on the movie as a whole? Will it reduce the effect of the movie and ‘average’ out the mood of the movie? Or will it make the movie crappier than ever?!!

Thoughts

I have quite a few Thoughts born in the recent months waiting to be put down in words – like a bunch of small rats jostling for a place inside a small cage, waiting to get out. Tough for me that way, don’t you think? Form a queue, I tell them. I’ll give each of you an opportunity to present yourself. Let’s make this an organized affair, shall we? All right. ‘Without further ado’ and all such things…

Thought 1: I’m C’s Idea Of Change. As you might know, C has shifted his place, and he’s no longer doing what he was. Put bluntly, he’s started earning and is no longer a student. This has had some repercussions, and a shift in the kind of things C can do and can no longer do. For example, playing football and DC++ing are out, at least for the time being. While C used to watch a lot of movies; he’s now reading a lot. He’s enjoying buying all these books by himself. He finds a small joy in being able to do away with all those half–priced pirated copies that he used to (and was compelled to) buy! And he doesn’t listen to music anymore (I’m obviously not counting what comes on the music channels 24x7 as ‘music’). But C has no regrets. When he thinks he wants to listen to music, he will. He’s waiting for the right mood to come along and say hello to him.
C is now writing a lot of code, and somehow, he’s enjoying it. It’s not something you’d expect him to end up doing, especially after doing what he did for 5 years. But for the time being, he enjoys what he’s doing. I think that’s important – enjoying what you do.

Thought 2: I’m C’s Idea Of Geography. First thing first – I’ve had a complete loss of the sense of direction in the city. I try predicting the way every time C goes out somewhere, but the twists and turns each route undergoes leaves me flummoxed each time. If C had to go to other parts of the city using me as his guide, he would be lost in no time. I can guarantee you that. One small thing I’ve noticed is the lack of shared autos in this part of the city. The other part where I used to stay 2 years back depended solely on shared autos for commuting. I can’t put it in words, but I’ve also noticed a difference in the attitude of the places itself. Something like, the place here is sponsored by the new age IT and financial companies and the other by the old manufacturing companies.

Thought 3: I’m C’s First Impressions. The place where C is working has treated him well. It offers an enjoyable, friendly and helpful atmosphere where C feels pretty comfortable. But C is a bit scared looking at his flat-mates. They spend an excessive amount of time in the office and that’s not something C would like to end up doing. As of now, his project has treated him generously and he’s been fortunate not having to spend long hours at his office. C also enjoys explaining to people where he works and what he does. Usual queries include –
#So you work in a call center?
#Must be an IT company then?
#What does it make?
#What does it do?
#What do you do?
#What’s the name of the company again?
#‘Jet ess’?
#‘G ess’?
#Can you spell out the name?
#What do they stand for?
#Hah! You don’t even know what your company name stands for?
This is usually the time C calls it quits. Anyway, what he does is pretty confusing. He puts it something like this – ‘developing software for a consultancy firm for (mainly) pharmaceutical companies in the US’ (after doing 5 years of mechanical engineering). I have been digressing! Let me pain you no further and stop myself with this - as far as C’s place of work is concerned, I’m good!

Thought 4: I’m C’s Arbit Thoughts. There are quite a few things on my mind, but the reader will forgive my inability to organize them properly within this framework of time and webspace.
There is this concept of Serializer in asp.net. It, basically, is used to convert every kind of object into something binary – which we can use to transmit over the net. What a neat thing to do! Imagine something like that for our thoughts and memories. Say, 10 years hence, you want to relive the Now. You just switch use your Memory Serializer and extract your memories of this time from your Memory Database. How convenient!
Even the most seemingly innocent or outrageous of choices you make will make you feel good if you can justify it. For example, faced with 3 choices – 1 getting a pet dog, 2 getting a potted plant, 3 getting a pot and putting a plant in it yourself – how will you proceed? C was presented with these choices and he chose the 3rd one, without much thinking. But I think I can present a justification for what he did. The superiority of his choice over the first one is pretty obvious, given C’s limited time he can devote to such activities as tending and caring of pets. And the various difficulties that might arise leaving the entire flat in the hands of a movable object with a mind of his own. And who knows what sinister ideas he starts getting when put in such a situation. I mean, all of us get ideas sometimes, right? The other argument is a bit vague and the reader may even see it too contrived, but unfortunately, I don’t give a damn about what the reader might think. The reader will accept my humble apologies. The point is, if you just buy a potted plant and place it inside your flat, it is just that – a potted plant that you bought and placed inside your flat. While if you have your own plant, it is your plant that you have in a pot inside your flat. I hope you got my point, because I can’t explain any more.

Thanks guys for the help. It couldn’t have been possible without blah blah blah. Good day, everyone. Good day, everyone.

Gunda

“If it were not for Him, I’d have been an atheist.”
-God, on Mithun

"Dekh! Upar aasman mein! Ek pakshi hai…ek Hawaii jahaaz hai!.. Woh to Mithun hai!”

- Junta, on Mithun.

[Translated:
“Look! Up in the Sky! It's a Bird...It's a Plane... It's Mithun!”
- People, on Mithun ]

“On the number line of arbitness, Mithun is infinity.”
-Anonymous

“A guy who has acted in over 190 movies in a 30 year span has to be god.”
-Another Anonymous

“Mera naam hai Shankar – garibon ka dost, luteron ke dushman. Dikhne me bewada, daudne me ghoda, aur maarne me hathoda hun main.”
-Shankar, on himself.

“Dushmano ki laashon par bhangra karne wala kabhi langda nahin hota”
-Shankar

"Curiosity not only killed the cat, but threw it in the river with weights tied to it's feet.”
-Winston Churchill

“Hey, that’s my quote, you quote thief.”
-Terry Pratchett, on the above quote.

“Your quotes have got nothing to do with Mithun.”
-Oscar Wilde

“Include a quote of mine in your post da.”
-Talli

“For more quotes on Mithun, please contact the Guild of Mithun Quoters, P.O. Box 3 , Daryaganj, New Kotwali, New Delhi – 110 001.”
-the Guild of Mithun Quoters

“Ok, guys. Enough for now. I’m wrapping this up.”
-the author of this blog.

Shaastra coecelanth equivocate s zeppelin durbatuluk

All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go (to durbatuluk)
I'm standing here outside shaastra
I hate to wake u up to equivocate

But the dawn is zeppelin
It's coecelanth
The taxi's shaastra
blowing his durbatuluk
Already i'm so lonesome
coecelanth

so equivocate and durbatuluk
tell me that u'll coecelanth
hold me like u'll shaastra (aaaaaa)
coz i'm leaving on a zeppelin
don't know when i will durbatuluk
oh babe, i equivocate

there are so many coecelanths, i've shaastra
so many times, i've zeppelin
i tell u now, i don't durbatuluk
every place i go, i equivocate
every song i sing, i equivocate
zeppelin about shaastra, durbatuluk, coecelanth
when i won't have to equivocate
about shaastra, i won't have to say

so equivocate and durbatuluk
tell me that u'll coecelanth
hold me like u'll shaastra (aaaa)
coz i'm leaving on a zeppelin
don't know if i'll durbatuluk
oh babe, i equivocate


john danawade
(I'm leaving on a zeppelin lyrics

Bored in class

Me:
On a rock she sat, with drooping eyes
Separating herself from the lies
She thought, "Oh! How time flies?
Shit! My paneer butter masala must be burnt."

Jat:
Time actually did fly
Not just the paneer,
rather [the] house itself was burnt
and so was the baby child
and the husband who was blind.

Me:
You bloody sadist...

#
Plagiarised:

And now the dhabas are changing,
new dishes have come and gone,
sometimes when I pass that old madrasi lane,
I still smell it, I can't be wrong.

Standing in those unwashed clothes,
the waiters still call me in there,
oh the way my nostrils burn,
I know that it will be served forever,
what was the worst food of my life.

yeah it was the sambhar of 69,
the sambhar, the sambhar, the sambhar of 69 !!!
Oh yeaaahhhhh
[Source unknown.]

'Kant' explain[ed]

Cause: Sunday morning. 8: 30. And u can’t go to sleep. There’s nothing u could be possibly doing.

Effect: Blogging.

A priori synthetic: When u have nothing to do, u HAVE to do something.

A posteriori analytic: Sunday mornings are meant to be spent in the bed.

The Transcendental Unity of Apperception: The blogger is unknowable. “I” is aware that there is an “I” subject, or self that accompanies all of my experience and consciousness. But since I only experience it in time, which is a "subjective" form of perception, I can never know directly that "I" that is appearing in time as it might be "in itself", outside of time.

Noumenon: A mess-worker bringing ur breakfast to ur room.

You have two cows

Unimaginative/Pragmatic people: You have two cows.

Light bulb Jokes: How many cows does it take to change a light bulb? Two

Absolute Monarchy: The king has two cows. At the end he gets hanged, and so do the cows.

Cambodian Communism: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

Enron Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank. He then executes a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by your CFO who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on six more. The public buys your bull.

Fatalism: You have two cows. You die.

Pure Communism: Your cow is my cow too. My cow is none of your business.

Representative Democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbours pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

Totalitarianism: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

The 3 Dot Language: ...

Two Cows: You have us.

Catcher in the Rye: This one time, you had two cows, but then you got to thinking about all the phonies getting their milk and that made you kind of sad so you let them go.

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: You have 42 cows.

The Fountainhead: I have two cows.

Terry Pratchett: You thought you had two cows, but in reality one was the Death of Cows and went 'MOO' all the time, whereas the other was actually someone who had severely annoyed a witch. This sort of thing happens an awful lot.

Nietzsche: Two cows are dead.

Rastafarianism: Let's smoke these cows!

Nihilism:

Pragmatism: There are cows.

Minimalism: Cow. Cow.

Yoda: Two cows, you have.

R2D2: beep beep blip beep

Michael Jackson: Hey, are those two calves?

Oscar Wilde: "You have two cows." —Oscar Wilde

The Oracle: "Having two cows is like being in love, Neo."

Monty Python and the Holy Grail: We are the Two Cows Who Say Ni!

Descartian Analysis: You think, therefore you have two cows.

Cowell Analysis: Those are quite possibly the worst two cows I have ever heard.

Unknown Analysis: To err is to be human. To have two cows is bovine.

Tamil: Ungalidam irandu Pasukkal ullana. Pasu paal kodukkum.

Manipuri: Nangi san ani lei.

Pink Floyd (Syd Barrett): I've got two cows. You can milk them if you like.

Pink Floyd (early 70s): You have [17 minute instrumental] Two cows

Q&A

Q: Imagine u are a kid studying in say, 9th or 10th standard. What is more satisfying than going to a reputed institute, playing against their team, and getting to drink lots of cold drinks for free?
A: Going to a reputed institute, playing against their team, raping them and getting to drink lots of cold drinks for free.

Q: Which one is better, a dreamless sleep or one with a dream?
A: Dreaming 4 or more dreams at a stretch.

Q: What is better than chatting, playing football, watching endless episodes of 'That 70's show' and 'The Scene' and reading Thomas Hardy and Jane Austen?
A: Chatting, playing football, watching endless episodes of 'That 70's show' and 'The Scene' and reading Thomas Hardy and Jane Austen, when everyone else is slogging his ass off for quizzes.

Confessions of a peculiar mind

It is that time of the day (night?) when my mind works at its weirdest. There’s no-one I can bug in the wing, and that sweet slumber is eluding me. There’s nothing that seems to interest me. My mind is in a maze – not a maze exactly, but…. u know what I mean. I’ve tried doing every possible thing in my book – watched T.V., surfed all my favorite sites, chatted, orkutted, smsed, called, tried reading a book, watching a movie, listening to my favorite playlist and what not. I would have ended up watching a movie but for the faggots who wont give me any slot to download from. I’m gonna buy another hard disk to store all the movies I want and I wont give them to anybody, I swear.

I even washed those clothes that have been soaking in the bucket for the past two days. Still, my mind is like a taut string, ready to snap any moment.

I want to bug someone on phone, but the validity on my cell just got over. I want to bang someone’s door and ask the time, just to see that look on his face (it’s not that funny, actually). But then, my conscience suddenly starts screaming at me, and it's not using the most decent of languages. Suddenly, the clock chimes 2:30 and I realize what shit I am stuck in. It’s another matter that I don’t have any clock that chimes, and even if I had, it won’t have chimed at the half-hour. In fact, it was 2:30 quite sometime ago. And presently, my clock is out of batteries. Bacially, the whole thing I said above is just fart.

I have a class at 9 in the morning tomorrow morning (in fact, today), but it still seems all too distant to me. The thing is, this prof has this contorted look on his face that makes him seem to hate giving the lecture more than we hate attending it. U hardly get inspired by that.

Ideally, I should be asleep and dreaming of some sweet and beautiful things. Though the dream part really doesn’t matter cuz I’ve not been dreaming of late. But I should be sleeping, at least. Sleeping without dreams is fine, u always seem to get enough sleep that way, but sometimes u want to have a beautiful dream – some deja-vu-ish ending to a beautiful day. Sometimes, it so happens that even though my mind is a bagful of oozing creativity and restless activity, my body demands a befitting rest to a tiring day.

I am c's weary body. Stop this. It’s 3 o’clock, for chrissake!! I can't type anymore.

I am God

This is the height of noodliness!! The ‘Flying Spaghetti Monster’ is the overlord of a new parody religion- ‘Pastafarianism’. (Remember the famous Rastafarian Bob Marley, anyone???). Wikipedia has more.

Some interesting ‘facts’ about the religion –

• Prayers are ended with the word Ramen rather than Amen.
• Like the noodles they worship, Flying Spaghetti Monsterists have flimsy moral standards.
• Promise of a stripper factory and a beer volcano in Heaven.
• Global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct consequence of the decline in numbers of pirates since the 1800s.

The open letter to the K.S. Board by the creator and self-proclaimed ‘prophet’ of the religion, Bobby Henderson, is particularly enlightening. It includes a reader’s response –

Bobby,

Today I was blessed to receive a divine revelation from our Almighty Flying Spaghetti Monster. I have the privilege of informing you that it is His will that I become His Bride, in order that the Savior of mankind (who is to be called Macaroni) may be born on this earth. The FSM has revealed to me that your body is to be the vehicle by whichhis holy seed shall be transmitted in earthly form.

To that end, I have reserved a room for us at the Best Western Airport Inn, Boise, Idaho, for the evening of [removed]. I will be the woman wearing the WWFSMD t-shirt and eye patch.

I look forward to meeting you and fulfilling the will of our noodly master.

Julie
Boise, Idaho

The Flying Spaghetti Monster, the Invisible pink unicorn, the invisible green dragon. What else now?? What about some Swimming Red Kanglasha, or perhaps a Simmering Spotted Sangai for our own Manipur??