your job and you

what a shitty job

lehman brothers file for bankruptcy, the us feds bail aig out, and oil hits less than $100 a barrel. a month back there was news about citibank selling its flats in mumbai to raise capital. and what's the most common reaction i see in people around me?

everyone's happy; in a sadistic way. but happy nonetheless. it is the kind of happiness that comes when australia loses a cricket series. or when brazil is beaten by a croatia.

i have friends who work in lehman. they are not worried at all. rather, it is a welcome break for them. they are smart and they are of the opinion that they will get into any job any time they want. good for them.

my mom on seeing all the chaos on the news channels called me up to find out if everything was ok. i told her everything was ok. as of now i see no way i am going to get affected by any of this. i don't invest in stocks. the place i work is quite distant from all these financial upheavals. (i might start thinking of how my life will be affected when my company is in full flow and when it is ready to take on google. but not right now.)

Agony aunt

Trip.

I got woken up by the persistent knock on my door. It was pitch-dark and I could not help wondering who could it be at the door. A glance at my cell-phone told me it was a little before 4 am. Knock. Knock. I went to open the door, anxious. There were two of them at the door: L and F. As if not to lose any time, F blurted out: "Dude, we are going to Goa."

I just stood there, pondering over the suggestion. They were serious. I could not think of a logical answer. Denial seemed to be the best option.
"I have a quiz on Tuesday."

"We will be back by then. And anyway, it is not as if you are going to slog for the quiz or anything."

"No, you don't understand. This is an important quiz. I fucked up the previous one pretty badly. I have to redeem myself this time around."

"See da," F started. "We will be back by Monday afternoon, and you have the entire evening for your preparation, or whatever it is you want to do before the quiz."

I knew my argument was weak. But I had to keep something going. I needed to find a chink in their armor.

"Do you have anything else other than this quiz to make you stop from coming?"

"No." I didn't.

"You can get your notes if you want. You can read in the journey if you are really worried about it."

"That's not going to work at all."

L continued,"Forget that. See dude, we definitely need a break. This is the last time we are going to be together. And we haven't been out together for quite some time now. "

"That's emotional blackmail."

"Of course, it is."

"Who else is coming?"

"P and V are."

"What about S and C?"

"We need to talk to them."

"Hmm. Ok, if they are coming, I will too."

"Let's go to their rooms then."

"Now?"

"Yes, now."

"Ok."

Difference between Yahoo and Google

π

Incidentally, I know upto 15! Something I memorized when I was in my 8th standard and remember till now. Does that make me a ****?

Image courtesy: ToothPasteForDinner

Every once in a while, you decide to be completely true to yourself, what your innermost desire is, and discover that to be the toughest thing to do. Granted, it is indeed a really tough thing in itself to find what you absolutely want. And the way to discovering that is finding out what you don't want for sure, and avoiding that. Again, if what you abhor conflicts with what someone else does desire, it becomes another dilemma. More so if it is going to affect someone you care for. Which path do you tread then? Do you consider that your happiness lies in someone else's, and decide to undertake something that you are sure of disliking? Or you avoid it, thus violating someone else's happiness and perhaps your own? Or you want to be steadfast in your decision and think that, perhaps, the other person should think about your happiness too?

I guess it is fine to stick to your decision - no remorse, no regrets. Some could argue that our decision hardly matters as we will anyway get obscured in front of big players like Fate and Time. I disagree. What we are is definitely our making and I vehemently refuse to believe that someone else is in control of my life, whether it be real or imaginary. I have seen a few people around me who have gathered the strength to undertake what they really want. It has given me hope. I don't want to resign to a fate that I know for sure that I am not comfortable just for the sake of it. I may not know what I want, but I do know what I won't like. And I refuse to get caught in that.

It is unfair to expect people to understand what you are going through, especially when you are short of completely understanding the situation yourself. You give up trying to explain yourself because you know it is something inexplicable. People will call it a whim and what not, but you know that you did it because you had to.

I see some signs of what path I intend to take. The shape is vague, but I think I can mold it to something concrete. Something I know I would enjoy doing with no one giving me directions. I don't see it as a challenge, I don't see it as something forced down on me. It is something I have to do, and I will end up doing it.

Working from home

you can't even cry

Guess

CH: Your wallpaper - is it a boy or a girl?
Me: You can take 3 guesses.

The Rise and Fall of the Tummy.

I have gained a lot in the past one year. 8 kg, to be precise. Or 12.5%. My weight had constantly hovered around the 63kg mark in my entire under-grad days. 4 months into my job, I had gained 2 kg, and another 8 months later, extra 6 kg. The progression is definitely more than arithmetical. (I haven't plotted it, but it might turn near exponential!)

I am not that scared of the current state I am in. I look as healthy as ever. But the rate at which the achievement was accomplished requires some rethinking on my part. There are signs: I am not able to wear any of the pants that I bought at the beginning of the year. And all this time, I have been trying to convince myself that my pants have shrunk in size. To make it worse, my uncles and my grandpa from my mother's side have not so flattering tummies. You never know if some miscreant of that gene decided to inhabit my body.

Therefore, for my own good, I intend to reverse what happened in the last year. I have just formulated a plan to this end. I am not setting any time-line as of now, though.

1a. Buy jogging shoes.
1b. Jog every morning for at least 3-4 km. This should be done on a different route everyday just to make sure I do not get bored!
2. Stop eating chicken. Eat chicken only one day a week. Eat chicken only when I drink beer, and one extra day in a week.
3. Eat just salad for one day.
4. Play football at least every weekend.
5. Weigh myself at least once every month two months and keep track of my performance.

Watch this space for some more interesting updates!

This and that

I have been encumbered by some heavy clouds of thoughts hovering over my head. It had to eventually rain. And what better place to rain it on than my fertile blog.

• Saw Tashan a few days back. I don't see why there's a big hue and cry about 'Size Zero' (courtesy Bebo). I can't fathom what's so cool about looking like a stick? A woman should look like a woman. This is not to say that people should start gorging on food and building on their fat. What's so difficult about promoting the middle-ground? I firmly believe that people should go for a healthy body, not anorexia or obesity.
• Sarkar Raj had me thinking. It was a bit different, a bit slow, and very RGV-ery. The question of displacing 40,000 people for the greater good of crores of other people is one worth pondering deeper. Is it moral/acceptable to completely destroy a village to save a country? If, in the future, it becomes necessary to sacrifice a country for the greater good of the rest of the world, is it moral to proceed thus? How can one define morality pertaining to these questions? The final answer, perhaps is 'survival of the fittest'. Sometimes, a species can be fitter than another by their sheer volume and number. So, the rest of the world effectively becomes fitter than any country singled out. Also, I remember reading in a book by Robert Pirsig (Lila, I think), that the more evolved a being is, the less moral it becomes to kill/destroy its existence. It is more moral to kill a chicken than a cow, and a bug than a chicken. Perhaps, it is also more moral to destroy a village than a city.
• The weather's pretty here around this time. Rain, wind, clouds. And then, a city cleansed. The feeling of getting completely drenched in the rains, streams of water dripping down, caressing your body. Then wiping your face for a clear vision. Slipping across the muddy ground for an ambitious tackle. Peace.
  
• Federer lost to Nadal in the French Open. Beauty lost to brute force, and that too in a humiliating manner. Everyone seemed to want beauty to win, but force fought like a wounded lion, even though it was the one who was wounding the other! More than the physical weakness it was his mental weakness that defeated Federer. Perhaps, he needs the kind of mental strength that some other greates I admire are made of - Schumacher and Kasparov. It is not just perfect skills that makes a sportsperson perfect, but needs a mental strength that can back up the skills, and the pressure it entails.

(P.S.- had written the post earlier but had left it un-posted)

The future is here...

First 35 to familiarity

• I think I can control my anger. And that makes me nervous.
• Sometimes, when things don't go my way, I try to think it is all a joke. But it doesn't seem so funny even when I try.
• I suck at keeping in touch with people.
• I have no explanation for that.
• I would prefer a quiet night in a park to a party with a multitude of people.
• I think life has been quite fair to me till now. It makes me scared.
• I think no one knows who/what I am.
• I am a better listener than a talker.
• I could kill for a good conversation.
• Telling people about myself makes me feel vulnerable. But not so much when i get to know as much about them.
• I dont know why I am writing this.
• Maybe to know myself better.
• But others may know about me.
• Anyway, it doesn't matter. Not many will read this.
• I am hungry.
• I am lazier than most people. My laziness is my biggest, well, negative point.
• I seldom fall sick. But I dont think I am healthy anymore.
• Choices confuse me. I'd rather have one or no choice than multiple ones.
• I think I am quite selfish. I want to be more selfish.
• Most books I read are after receicing recommendations from people. But the best books I have read are some that have not been recommended by anyone.
• If I analyze my life in 5 phases of 5 years each, I might look like a different person in each phase.
• This shit is difficult to write.
• I have lost touch with music. I have no plans to revive my relationship with music.
• I wish I could do something creative and sustain myself with it.
• I dont like being told what to do. I might even decide not to do it just because someone tells me to do it.
• I dont like telling people what to do either.
• Humor is what I adore most in a person.
• To be Frank, I need to change my name.
• I want to end this list, but don't know how to.
• Something clinching, enlightening, amusing. Something that can end this list.
• Hmm.
• I have to end this with a cliche. Sorry to disappoint you. But I cant think of anything else.
• So...
• I was here.
• So was [put your name here].

Words

bored, football, censored, funny, incredible, hungry, pop-up box, scared, romeo and juliet, dire straits, pink floyd, music, insti, memories, wing, hostel, godav, saras, jam, change, night, movies, dcc++, search, net, chat, epao, closure of net, torrent, nift, party, beach, people, fake, dislike, keep in touch, lose touch, new people, books, schumacher, realize, federer, *****, bengali, punjabi, tam, gult, bihari, sand art, face, crushed, groan, email, dinner, hungry, movie, phone call, weekend, practice, school, marriage, tuitions, classes, books, change, school friends, metro, city, floyd, baby laughing, happy songs, chroma, philosophy, for love of sophia, uncyclopedia, home, lonely, mute, incredulous, incredible, photo, words, crime, famous, ram gopal verma, anurag kashyap, kashyap, london, murder, agatha, dog, curious, kid, flat, swing, swimming pool, swim, learn, beach, gujarat, bishnupur, chicken, cricket, lunch, ethnic clashes, chongnikim, rains, clean, depressing, green, gc tongbra, manipuri, books, none, zuk, zilch, infinity

Echo

A monk asked Hogen, "I, Echo, ask you, Master. What is Buddha?"
Hogen said, "You are Echo."

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