Right now

Four years have passed since I entered this institute, and I hardly noticed how things have changed. As I look back and immerse myself in introspection, it seems like the I that was then and the I that is now are different, in ways that I'm aware and in ways that I'm not. Maybe a good way to judge this is to ask someone who knew me well before and haven't been in touch with me for the past 4 yrs.

With many people passing out and entering an entirely new chapter in their own lives, several existentialism dilemmas and issues have started to brew within and without us. With current debates going on the so-called excellence phenomenon on one side and cases of suicides and disillusionment of students with the system, these questions have never been more significant. Seemingly simple questions like ‘what now?’, ‘what have we achieved?’, ‘is it worth it?’ etc. that are digging up the philosophers in many of us. Not really surprising, if u think of it.

Everyone wants to different, in one way or the other. And everyone has a secret fear of getting subjugated to the annals of mediocrity and mundane existence. Two easy pointers would be the answers to the questions -

• Will we be really able to do what we like?
  
• Will we like what we end up doing?
  

I see many minds getting weary in the middle, thanks to the tug-of-war between an inherent desire to excel and distinguish oneself from others on one side and the external pressure of conformity on the other.

Paradoxically, it is hazaar tougher to get involved in something that u like to do. Not many people get so lucky. The maxim ‘Do not what u like, like what u do’ is a blatantly misleading statement; it’s subjecting a person to a life of superficial happiness and deep regret. That’s not what we want to end up doing. And the justified fear is in ending up doing so.

Another dilemma is the search for things that endear to u, that u can be passionate about. This leads to an iteration of experimentations and analyses in the capacity of each person. Experiments can go awry and analyses can be erroneous and there should be allowances for these. When the allowances are not coming, frustrations emerge. As I see it, parents and guides should be more accommodating at this stage than any other. The role of peers also can’t be undermined. Everyone wants to be accepted and yet, be different from others leading to ego clashes and the like. When u live with people from so many different backgrounds and with different personalities, u r bound to learn and adapt and condition urself.

I’ve been fortunate enough to get close to a Punjabi, a tam, a bong and a gult in the course of these years and of late, a sindhi and a bihari – all with strikingly different personalities and behaviour.. U know there are people u can count on, whom u can trust, and for whom u are willing to go out of ur way to accommodate them. It’s a pleasure to know these people. I’ve fostered numerous acquaintances, but these are a few prized ones. Unfortunately, half of them are going this time. And we are all going different ways, as far as I can see it It’s a feeling of weirdness, above loss, that’s encompassing me now. Hopefully, it will pass.

Getting acclimatized to hostel life was an entirely new experience; and I’m expecting that getting out of it will be another quantum jump. Mine was rather gradual as I had spent one more year in hostel in Delhi, but for most of the students here, it was a start. And as most of us were dumped in a single hostel, we were made to sort things out for ourselves first hand, with little help from seniors. What an experience it was! By the way, the affinity to the girls’ hostel did nothing much than serve as an occasional eye-candy. ( who can forget the way the two of us hogged the limelight when the soodest senior girls’ gang took us out for a movie treat!!)

Our first year saw another thing – us getting impressed by the so called gods in the institute. They were seniors to us and starting the second year, we began a long draught process of emulating the gods. The process continues till this day.

Whatever be the case, I’ve seen most of the people around me growing, maturing. Some disillusionment is evidently there, but overall, we are more prepared to face difficulties than we were four years ago. And much less susceptible to external stresses.

As for me, the funda is simple – make an endeavor to find out what endears to u. Stick to it and screw everyone and everything else. Altruism is one luxury we can’t afford, especially when u have to pay with ur life and happiness.

Many of my friends have entered and are entering a new procellous phase in their lives. My best wishes are with them. I have one more year to go, and I’m waiting, albeit a little less enthusiastically than I seem to on the onset.

Life’s like that.